Tuesday, 1 April 2014

New element on the periodic table - Distillerine

When was the last time a new element was discovered? Once in a lifetime you might think....and you'd be right! Well let me tell you, it was Constipanium (1904) (...just after 7.00 o'clock). The Blue Plaque location marks the spot in the lavatories of the The Swollen Orchid pub in Nempnett Thrubwell, where the transsexual oboe player cum scientist, "Gorgeous B Me" first discovered that bad boy! But now (drum roll....), there's another nasal hair in the washback of life - Distillerine!

Origins of this discovery are somewhat vague -the bi-product of a smoked kipper incident, the "cured" effluvia extracted from the remains of heartbroken otters, and rumour has even mentioned the possibility of espionage. Indeed, the body of a recently sacked NAS phobic Greek whisky-ant, Diageones Lickalotopuss, was linked to the robbery of some secret things from a big house. There you have it! 

When you realise the powers of distillerine you won't care where it came from. So, what can it do for you.

Distillerine: Applications?

One drop (administered sub-lingually): You will be able to distinguish between single malts and blends simply by looking at a photograph (inc black & white photos). Dosage effect - approximately 20 minutes.

Two drops (administered sub-lingually): You can nose whiskies through the bottle, identifying the region, without the inconvenience of having to open said bottle. You may also be able to sense the mood of the distiller at the time of bottling. Dosage effect - 45 minutes.

A dram of distillerine (administered orally): You can now identify the distillery, the date of distillation, the abv, and the name of the lazy bastard on the bottling line who just isn't pulling his/her weight! Dosage effect - 2 hours

Please note, you may suffer one of the side effects at this point: When drinking whisky with others present, you will find it difficult  not to start many of your sentences with the phrase "I'm getting....." (e.g. I'm getting hints of tar and cherimoya that have fallen through the crack of a navvy's arse)

A 20cl syringe (administered rectally): You are now entering distillerine heaven! You can now identify distillery, cask, age, abv, bottling date, bottler, a complete set of obscure tropical fruits to be used in tasting notes, 47 shades of straw, the name of the dray man's horse, the length of finish (down to 0.0023 of a second), the meaning of the word "gulfur" (the gap between being an "expert" and being someone who drinks whisky "simply because it's nice"), and the glazed look in your friends eyes as you bang on yet again about the joys of whisky. Dosage effect - 6 hours and 17 minutes.

The evidence: In a blind tasting of 407 whiskies, after taking just a few drops of distillerine, Albert Donne, who lost his taste buds in a Wheel of Death incident at an old people's home in Chigwell, correctly identified all but one of the 407 drams". The incorrectly identified dram was later found to have been a sample from a rogue bottle taken from a fellow resident (it looked like a bourbon cask but had urinesque notes...shame). There you have it!

The news has already shaken and stirred the whisky community. World renowned "dram whisperer" Jimmy-Dom Murrow, speaking from his Spanish mountain home in deepest Alavadramma, said "the banjo is a beautiful instrument .... This could be the end of life as I know it..... The dark arts of the whisky wizards will be exposed? We must ban this immediately."

Distillerine - For even in a blind tasting, you shall see!